Fairy Tales For the Mentally Unstable LOTR Style
by BUG-SLAYER
Summary: Once Upon a time there was a story in which two random characters meet and something happens. The End.
1. TBWSTB

AN: okay new story!!! And guess WHAT!!! These even have morals to them!!! Yup morals you should live your ENTIRE life by!!! Guess what else I have discovered!!! School really does influence our life, minds, and creativity!!! For in the astounding math class that I really should have paying attention to (uh HATE trig) I came up with the idea to create this story. So if you ever wonder why they created math class in all its boringness THIS is why!!! So aspiring writers like me who probably should be taking notes can come up with glorious works of art. Of course these stories are not a masterpiece, in fact my mother has oh so graciously imformed that a third grader can write better than I. I hope you enjoy.

Discalimer: Look I don't own Tolkein. Never have, never will. In fact, I don't even want to. I don't want any of the elves, none of the hobbits, no dwarves, no wizards, and none of the orcs or uruk hai. The only thing I might want is one of the meras and a really big spider. And that would be in actual life not just hey you can take credit for them. All of the characters are JRR Tolkein's and his alone.

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_**The Blond Who Saved the Butterflies**_

Once upon a time there was a cheerful elf named Legolas. Legolas was a cheerful because he never had to do his chores (after all he did have forever), had the brain the size of a peanut, and could wear cute little dressies any time he wanted.Now one day the delusional elf was skipping through the Evil Forest of Mirkwood in a pretty daisy jumper. Now Evil Forest of Mirkwood was known for its big spiders, and its Scary Trees With Eyes©. Now Scary Trees With Eyes© have been filmed in many classic movies such as _Snow White_ and are Mirkwood's greatest industry. Now on this fine day Legolas made a discovery.

"I've made a discovery," said Legolas " This forest is full of big spiders and Trees With Scary Eyes©!"

Now this discovery might not be bad if Legolas had been a tourist who thought he was in Loth Lorien, or if his father had locked hi, in a dungeon all his life, but none of these were true. In fact, Legolas went out into the forest in pretty dresses every day to skip over the forest's moldy floor.

So upon his discovery Legolas had to sit down on the floor to think. After three hours of thinking Legolas FINALLY came to a decision.

"I've come to a decision!" said Legolas "I HATE this forest! I'm leaving it and all its big spiders and Scary Trees With Eyes© forever!" Upon his decision Legolas began to run away from the scary forest forever.

Now after running for six days straight, Legolas was dehydrated, starving and even more delusional than usual, he collapsed in the middle of Fangorn Forest. While unconscioushe was taken in by butterflies, was cared for and given new dressies. When the elf awoke he was told of the misfortunes of the butterflies, and how the Evil Moths of Isengard ( this is some sort of retarded cult of moths) kept them living underground.

Now although Legolas wasn't … well … the sharpest sword on the armory, he knew that it was wrong to entrap people underground. Unfortunately he only thought that the moths were misguided, so one night he took a net and captured all the moths and put them in a plastic jar, that he had somehow gotten his hands on, and promised to release them if they promise to be nice, but being the… well…special (cough ed cough) person that he was, he forgot to put holes in the top of the jar, and all the moths died.

When the butterflies heard of the demise of the Evil Moths of Isengard they all flew into the forest and rejoiced in the sunlight, and Legolas skipped through the woods until he was eaten by a moth for killing the moths cousin.

THE END

MORAL: Never try to get anything to agree with you if you have the brain the size of an ameba.

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So what did you think? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease tell me!!! I don't care how insulting it is!!! I don't care how igsignifigant it is. TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. TDWTTSHV

AN:my sister told me told me to do this story in double space, so in her honor guess what!!! It is!!! If you don't like it, live with it. I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: look, I don't own LotR or Little Hero of Holand. I don't even want the credit for those stories. I don't want to be known for a book in which almost all the characters are gay or bi. I only like Tolkein because it has a cool setting, and because it is like a alternate reality.

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_**The Dwarf Who Tried to Save His Village**_

This story beguins like all stories. So basically once upon a time there was a village no one ever heard of in who knows what country. Any hoot the only thing that differed this village from any other was a brick dike to prevent the village from being flooded by who knows what body of water. In this village lived a dwarf named Gimli who loooooooooooooooooved Taco Bell bean burritos. One day Gimli was walking home after getting a burrito. While walking home he notices a hole in the dike, and knowing that a hole could flood the village he decides he must take action, so he says…

"There's a hole in the wall! I must do something!" So he sticks his finger in the wall. After a while his finger is sore, he's tired, and he's got to fart. He tried to hold it, but try as he might he, well, EXPLODES!!! And blows down the wall and all the people in the village drown.

_The End_

_Moral: If your trying to prevent floods, remember to take Beano._

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woah! Short. Hopefully good though. Review to tell me. Please? Also if you have any ideas for a tale tell me and any characters you want tort- ahem write about. REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. TMWCW

AN: I got this idea from…uh…I don't know, but I really hope you like it. If you don't like the fact that Tolkein's masterpiece is being trashed, DO NOT READ THIS!!! Also if you feel that Haldir is your one true love and the greatest thing on earth since sliced bread, again DO NOT READ, unless you can make fun of him. Then go right ahead.

Disclaimer: Again I DO NOT OWN TOLKEIN!!! Nor do I own the Boy Who Cried Wolf. I'm only making fun of them.

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_**The March Warden Who Cried Wolf**_

_Once upon a time_ there lived an elf named Haldir who loved himself and his life. He thought he was the greatest thing on Middle Earth since sliced bread. The only thing he hated in his life was guard duty, but since he was March Warden he was stuck every other week defending his woods.

Now Haldir didn't hate guard duty because of the fighting. Why? Because there was no fighting. Every other week he was stuck at his post defending a single stick for days on end.

Now stick guarding can be great fun. In fact, stick guarding used to be Haldir's favorite pass time as a child. But after guarding a single stick for centuries, it can become a little boring, especially if there is nothing to defend the stick against. So one day Haldir decided to stir up a bit of mischief. So he came up with a silly little plot to get a little action down at the guard posts.

When the sun had finally passed its peak, Haldir put his evil plot into action.

"WARG!" cried Haldir "Warg in that bush!"

Instantly fifty elves appeared out of no where and shot at the bush. When all the arrows had been fired at that bush, an elf walked hesitantly towards the bush and pulled out a squirrel that was practically mutilated by arrows. When all the elves saw this they all turned toward Haldir and simultaneously raised an eyebrow. Haldir Just shrugged in reply and said

"It looked a lot bigger before." At this all the elves rolled their eyes at Haldir AT THE SAME TIME!!! And disappeared into the woods, leaving Haldir to his lunch of squirrel sandwiches

The next day, just like the day before, right after the sun passed its peak Haldir cried warg and fifty elves shot at the bush. This time however it wasn't a squirrel they dragged out of the bushes, but Gandalf the Grey, who for some reason or another just so happened to be passing through the woods and had to take a whizz. After they dragged the wizard out them left him because no one really liked the old man anyways.

The next day Haldir, for the first time EVER, was smiling on guard duty. Part of the reason he was so happy was he finally got some action on guard duty, but his happiness was mostly due to the fact he was smoking the pipe weed he had earlier acquired from Gandalf's dead body. Now while he was smoking the weed a REAL warg approached him, growling. Now Haldir heard the warg approaching and looked up to see it in front of him, but instead of the ferocious beast with long claws, sharp teeth, and moldy fur, he saw a cute little pink puppy. Unfortunately for Haldir the warg was huge and hungry, and while Haldir was gushing at it the warg ate our favorite March Warden and destroyed the rest of Loth Lorien.

_The End_

_Moral: Never smoke a wizard's pipe weed while on guard duty. Save it for formal dinners._


	4. TNATH

AN: forth chapter. Again, if you hold any wonderful feelings for any of the LotR characters DO NOT READ!!!! Unless you can laugh at them, then by all means read please! And review.

You have the right to read this story. Any chapters you read will be dumb and someone WILL probably die. You have the right to remain silent. Any thing you say can and will be misquoted and used against you. You have the right to an attorney, even though he will not help you at all, you still have that right.

Disclaimer: Really people I do not own LotR. This book is property of JRR Tolkein. I own none of the elves, or hobbits, dwarves, or wizards. The wargs, giant spiders, and Scary Trees With Eyes© are rentals. Please do not prosecute me. I am sooooooooooooo poor its not even funny. I do not want to steal any of the elves either. If you believe one of them is your soul mate I can recommend a few good psychiatrist.

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_The Nazgul and the Hobbit_

_Once upon a time _there was a hobbit named Frodo. Frodo was a real fat hobbit whose top speed was one mph. Unfortuanatly for him he could only run this fast for maybe thirty seconds before fainting straight away.

Frodo was just like any other hobbit. He had brown curly hair, brown eyes, big feet, huge appetite, pointy ears, and a love for smoking, drinking, and stealing stuff. In fact the only thing even half way interesting about him was the pink sequin ring he took with him every where. Now someone took an interest in this hobbit because of this ring and decided the ring would make a great birthday gift for his master. This person was no other than one of the Nazgul.

Now the Nazgul was not a very fast runner, but he could run an average of ten mph and substain this speed for a very long time. So he challenged Frodo to a race. Frodo was sopping drunk at the time so he willingly accepted.

The next day at noon the hobbit with an extremely bad hangover and the Nazgul were lined up at a starting line that had appeared out of no where, and at 12:10 exactly the racers heard a bow twang and began to run.

Now the Nazgul definitely had the advantage of the race, and was quickly in the lead.

The Nazgul was almost to the finish line when he saw a couple of hobbits walking together, and couldn't help it but to run over to them and tease them insensately. One of the hobbits dindnt take to the teasing to well even if he was short, fat , and hairy, so he ipaled a three foot blade into the Nazgul.

Now the Nazgul was dead already so the blade kill him because he couldn't die AGAIN, but unfortuanatly for the Nazgul there was a really big tree behind him and the poor evil dark creature was stuck to it like a bug to a card.

While the Nazgul was trying to pull the sword from his stomach, Frodo passed him on his way to the finnish line, and when the hobbit was three inches away from the finnish he died of cardiac arrest. Three days later the Nazgul pulled the sword from his body and was going to get the ring from the hobbit, but he was beaten to it by a hundred hobbits who looted Frodo of every thing, and stripped the hobbits corpse down to his boxers. Since the Nazgul had nothing else to steal from the body he took the boxers.

_THE END_

_Moral: never tease someone who can use a weapon. Especially in front of a big tree. If you must tease someone with a weapon make sure your armed with a bigger one. _

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You are sitting at you computer. You have just finished the dumbest story with no point that has a really stupid moral at the end. You drag your mouse over to the left hand corner and click the little purple buuton. Instantly a box pops up. You type what you think of the story. You send the note to the desperate author. All is well in the world.

REVIEW NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!


	5. TNSLRRH

AN: I'm baaaaaaaack!!!! Muahahahahahahahahaha you can't escape my evil wrath. Just to let you know these stories can be used as torture items for any said person who thinks they are sane. Take my mother for instance. While she was baking cookies I decided it was the perfect time for her to take a role in encouraging me in my wonderful works of art coughtrashcoughcough. Those cookies were whipped through the oven in record time!!! I hope you enjoy my stories. Also I'd like to thank those who reviewed. I thought about putting up your names, buuuuuuuuuuuut I'm way too lazy. I'm sure you know who you are. If not, you have serious mental problems and need to see a psychiatrist IMEADIATELY!!!! But THANKYOU to all those who reviewed.

WARNING: this author will not take responsibility for any harm that occurs to the reader while reading this trash. Side effects from reading this story can be life altering and include an obsessive need for burning books, stabbing your eyes out, baking TONS of ginger snaps, and even in some cases suicide to escape a world with such a crazy author. I'm warning you TURN BACK NOW!!!!! It's not too late!!!! Save yourself!!!!!

Disclaimer: okay this is really dumb. Who will believe I own any of Tolkein. If I did own any of his books I wouldn't be typing on this site, and I would defiantly have more than the $30 I posses now (I've gone up in the world!!!). Any ways I don't like the books, I can't write ridiculous lyrics like that don't even make sense, and if I wrote it, Frodo would probably die.0 If you got nothing out of that I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN LOTR!!! I also do not own little red riding hood.

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_The Not so Little Red Riding Hood_

_Once upon a time _there was a little girl named Eowyn. Actually she was about twenty, so I guess she wasn't a little girl, but if I were to say _Once upon a time _ there lived an adult who still live with her family because her uncle was rich and she was too lazy to go out and get a job or get married it wouldn't sound like a very fairytalish story beginning. Anyways Eowyn still bummed off her uncle Théoden, who didn't care because he was a rich king, and was still a little spacy after being possessed by one of his mother's famous rotten, burnt, stale, and moldy hamburgers with eyes. His mother was especially proud of her burgers because no one could figure out how anyone could make something taste SO BAD!! She also prided herself in making clothes that were about twenty years out of style, and for having an afro.

Anyways one day Eowyn was skipping around on a pile of horse turds, (This WAS Rohan after all) in her beautiful lime green cloak. Eowyn loved her cloak and ran around everywhere in it. It was because of her lime green cloak that Eowyn was called Little Red Riding Hood.

Anyways Eowyn was skipping around a pile of horse turds when she heard her uncle call her in.

"Eowyn!" he cried "Get off that pile of turds and get inside…I need to …uh… talk to you!"

Eowyn, being the obedient person she was picked up two handfuls of dung and was about to run inside when her uncle called to her and said…

"Eowyn put those turds down!" he cried "I want to speak to you, not get dung thrown at my head."

Still being the obedient person she was, except for all those times where she disguised herself as a boy and attacked a few people for random reasons, learned how to ride, shoot, spit, burp, fart on command, curse around other kings, blew up the guest house those very rare times (cough seventy six cough) and sell her cousins war horse on E-bay after he went crazy and attacked a warg with a pillow. Yep she was real obedient. So she grudgingly put down the handfuls of turds and ran inside.

"Eowyn," said Théoden "I need you to do something I probably should have made you do three days ago. Your Grandmother is sick, and is unable to feed herself. I need you to go through the forest (which is just REALLY tall grass) to feed her."

"wouldn't she be dead if she hasn't eaten in THREE DAYS!!!" asked Eomer who for some reason was still at home even if he was SUPPOSE to be banished.

"Fine" said Théoden "feed her only if she's still alive. If not just don't even bother. Just drag her home so we can feed her to our 'secret weapons'"

Now this is really off topic, but so you don't get mad at me Rohan's secret weapon is not an actual weapon but an animal. Their secret weapon is nine twenty foot tall man eating horses. These horses were fed a regular diet of dead things and…well…more dead things, but this is extremely off topic because there are no man eating horses in this story, or at least I don't think there are. Back to the story.

Anyways after Théoden told Eowyn of the misfortunes that had befallen her grandmother of late, Eowyn grabbed a loaf of bread, some wild strawberries, some eggs, a sprig of mint, some ale, and some horse jerky ( this is Rohan after all) and skipped off to the area of really tall grass that every one mistook for a forest.

Any hoot at the edge of the "forest" a warg smelt the horse jerky and ale the girl was carrying, and decided that he wanted the food Eowyn had for himself, so he, in what he thought was a rather sly and cunning way, but was just really retarded, walked out into the girls path ( Actually Eowyn, as we have already accomplished was a woman, not a girl, but what woman _in her right mind _would let herself be caught by ANYTHING skipping through a "forest" singing the Barney theme song out loud, so we'll just say she's a girl) and said

"Little girl, would you let me try the wonderful food in you basket?" asked the warg

"No." said Eowyn "this food is for my grandmother who is most likely dead." And after saying this Eowyn snubbed the wolf and continued skipping to her grandmother's house, to find her grandmother was still alive, Eowyn stuffed the food in the woman's mouth and skipped home. Now this pattern continued for a few days before the wolf got an idea. So while Eowyn was skipping to her grandmother's house the wolf mobbed her, killed Eowyn, and ate the food the girl had brought, before stumbling into the woods drunk because of the ale it had consumed

A few days later a search party was sent out to find Eowyn. They did find her and brought her and her now dead grandmother's bodies back to the castle and fed them to the "secret weapon"

_**The End**_

_**Moral:** never refuse a stranger's demands for food if they have real sharp claws, long fangs, and horrendous breath that smells of rotten deer carcasses._

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Okay another story complete. Anyways lets make this reviewing thing into a FUN game.

One point for every person who reviews. Two points for those who put the Barney theme song into their review. Three points if they come up with creative words to go along with the theme. four points if it kills Barney at least three time. five points if you have the courage to tell me who the review is from. I think that seems pretty simple. The one with the most points wins DA DA DA DAAAAAaaa NOTHING!!! Yeah!!!if you think this game is extremely childish and you will take no part of it then please review anyways. I also want to thank those have already reviewed my story. THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!


	6. PNM

AN: Okay peeps, sorry I have taken sooo long to update. I've been super busy. First I went home for the holidays. To my grandmother's place. I wasn't even NEAR a computer long enough to write. My mom and Aunt hogged the computer all the time. Why? Both their little babies are stationed in Iraq, and the best way to speak to them is IM. Phone bills get too high. I'm not even allowed to talk to them for fear of contaminating them. Their MY family too!!! I also got a hedge hog too!!! Yes those things with quills. If anyone tells you that the quills don't hurt DO NOT BELIEVE THEM that is so a lie. It's like little needles. My dog won't go near her anymore. But she is so cute and so sweet, what with her adorable daemonic eyes, her lovely hog snout, and her sharp delicate quills. My parents have adopted her as their grandchild. Fitting. I think they like her more than me. Even though she has this nasty habit of pooping whenever she's scared. Like today. I scared her earlier by yelling at my sister, so she took a dump while I was going downstairs. I didn't notice it at all. Neither did my sister. That is until she stepped in it. That just got us in another argument as to who should clean up the poop that was now ground into our lovely carpet. Ah well. Any ways my little baby hedgie is named Estelle. It means star in Latin. I know that estel is hope in Sindarin and is also Aragorn's nickname, but I swear that is coincidental. I don't think she even believes in hope. She looks more like a star any ways. This is probably useless information you don't need, but I can't help it. Stelly is just soooooooo cute!! On with the story!!☺☺

WARNING: this story is not for those who think that any or all the Lord of the Ring's characters are gods. If you have shrines to worship said characters you need to give yourself a reality check. They are just movie characters. You will not be pulled into ME and vice versa. If you still think it's possible for that to happen then you need to immediately from your computer and do the chicken dance. Remember to take a picture of it and e-mail it to me.

Disclaimer: again I do not own LotR. Those rights are preserved by Tolkein and remain his. It is only my job to make fun of it. Yet is still don't own it. I don't even want it. All I want is a really tall horse. I only read The Return of the King for Shadowfax. The movie did him no justice. Besides Tolkein knows squat about horses. They're not white, they're light grey. Off topic again. Sorry. Enjoy. Almost forgot, I also do not own Hansel and Gretel or The Little Mermaid. Ha I said it.

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_**Pippin n Merry**_

Once upon a time there were 2 ordinary hobbits named Pippin and Merry. Now for some odd reason that can not be explained Merry chose to live with Pippin. And for some other reason Pippin's family didn't care. In fact Merry had lived with the Tooks long enough to call them family.

Anyways one day the 2 hobbits returned home late one day after looting the local pub the Green Dragon to find their mother, well actually Pippin's mother but Merry for no apparent reason what so ever called her his mother too, lying dead with her eye's glazed over and a knife in her throat and the initials S.H.I.T carved on her stomach. When the two saw this they immediately ran over to the poor woman and began shaking her violently. Somehow managed to free it and fell to the floor. This noise startled Pippin into speaking.

"I think she's sleeping" Pippin whispered to Merry, if you can consider shouting at the top of your lungs whispering.

"Fool of a Took!" Merry whispered quietly back if you consider a fog horn quiet. "Cant you tell! She's dead!"

This statement caused Pippin to immediately stop shaking the dead woman and look at the floor. As he looked down he saw a knife sticking out of the floor

"Look Merry," said Pippin picking up the knife "its dad's knife. He must have left it here before going to work." Now this might have been a decent assumption if the knife hadn't been sticking out of the now dead woman's neck and if it wasn't dripping with blood, but since both of these were true this statement was not a very accurate observation.

Anyways, it was at this exact moment that the boys father Sebastian Huracio Ignatius Took walked in the house and said…

"Bring the body boys" said Sebastian in the same exact whisper voice the boys had previously been using "some riders from Rohan are buying dead things for reasons that are not pertaining to a 'secret weapon' that they do not have"

The boys dragged their dead mother's body a long and handed her off to the riders. In return they received a bag of horse manure and a keg of ale. (This is the Rohirrim we're talking about.)

That night after the hobbits finished their meal of stolen mushrooms and ale (curtesy of farmer Maggot) Father Took made an announcement

" I have an announcement ." stated Papa Took "I have decided that my mourning is finished. I have also decided to remarry in oooh… 10 minutes to miss Lobelia Sacksville-Baggins.

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Skipping ahead to the wedding. Now everyone knows what happens at weddings. The bride walks down the isle, the groom and bride say their vows they kiss blah blah blah yada yada so on and so forth. The only thing different about this wedding however was everyone was COMPLETELY drunk, the groom was dressed in a hot pink and neon orange suit, and there was no official person to make the wedding legal. I am not going into the details of that wedding but basically during the event there was a ton of dancing, brawling, love confessions, and a lot of other non-legal weddings.

So the next morning Pippin and Merry woke up with the humongous hangovers and began to trash the house looking for a couple aspirin. Lobelia Took was awaken by the noise and found the whole house trashed so she ran the boys to the edge of town.

Now like every other guy on the face of this earth these to sucked with directions, but unlike every other guy these two weren't ashamed of it.In fact they bragged about it. So it is to no surprise that they dropped painted rocks all the way and easily found their way home again. Now this pattern went on for many months, until one day they finally found their bottle of aspirin. Right after they found it however they were chased out of town again, but instead of dropping colored rocks like usual they dropped aspirin.

Now unfortunately it was exactly at this time that thousands of hobbits began to wake up with horrible hangovers. When these hobits saw the aspirin on the ground there was an all out dash for the precious medicine, so it is to no surprise that the two were unable to find their way home.

Now while the hobbits were meandering around the woods looking for the way home their presence was found out by another. After Smaug the dragon had been run out of the Lonely Mountain by the dwarves he decided to move into the highly flammable woods near the shire. Believe me it wasn't one of his best ideas. Now unfortunately for the hobbits, Smaug still held a bit of a grudge towards hobbits after Bilbo decided to destroy his lovely home and steal his treasure, so the dragon devoured the hobbits before burning down the whole Shire. Unfortunately for Smaug he got heartburn because of his efforts and fell into the fire and killed all the hobbits that were trying to escape.

_**The End**_

_**Moral:** Never try and burn a whole town down without parental supervision._

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AN: The game is still on. So far only one person has participated. The game is still going Review NOW!!! If this petty game scares you then just say you don't want to play. I'll be keeping score right after the story.

So far…

**Lady Tolwen: 4 points**


	7. TUDIBR

AN: okay peoples I'm back! Hehehe. Sorry I took so long to write. My computer died. She had about 47 viruses and was getting more everyday. Finally it became to much for her circuits and she gave up! She is all better now though so that means I can write again. I just got a question though. Why are all machines girls? And countries and cities? Even the ones named after guys? I think it's probably because these things are all run by guys who need to get a girl. Or they are sexist pigs and they live for women. Either one works but I'm not sure it works.

Warning: People do die. Elves Die. If you feel in love with any elves or hobbits PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS! Some of their deaths may be implied. Thank you. Also I do not have anything against elves.

Disclaimer: Look Tolkein owns it I don't. Plain and simple.

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_**The Ugly Dude in Black Robes**_

_Once upon a time _there were two people who gave birth to a little baby. Now all new born children are ugly, but this one threw all others out of the competition and ran them over around ten times. He was so ugly I'M not even going to explain it. Just put as he was the ugliest thing on two legs. He was so ugly he turned his parents into play doh. The poor child was dubbed Sauron for no apparent reason and everyone went on with their lives. Sauron grew up and he and his blobby parents hoped that one day their ugly duckling of a son would grow up and become a beautiful swan. Unfortunately for them that never happened. In fact as Sauron grew older he grew uglier to.

Well one day his parents couldn't take his appearance any more and forced him to wear big black robes, and a mask. This made Sauron angry so he skipped all the way to Mordor and created a spooky ring, A-bombed Minas Tirith Rivendale (stupid elves), stole Rohan's "secret weapon" and used them to kill all the hobbits at an alarming speed, and he molded his parents into three statues of white cats. Well after killing people and blowing stuff and became super bored and blew up Middle Earth.

_**The End**_

**_Moral:_** Never try and force a kid into black robes if you're a piece of clay. Make them wear a dress.

AN: REVIEW! Help this poor author out! Complaints and comment are always wanted. Also if you don't get the play doh thing it's based off medusa. Looking at her turns you to stone looking at him turns you to play doh.


	8. TSBOOAESBOOR

AN: sorry I haven't written in so long. My computer crashed (again) and I also got that stupid virus that comes through AIM. I think I still have it on my computer some where. Hmmm….well anyways don't really have to worry about that now. I'm stealing time on someone else's computer to type this up. Well I tried doing one with Arwen portrayed as a slut. I'm not sure I really succeeded, but oh well. Here it is

Warning: elves will die in this. And a pollywog thing. If you are in love with elves, are an elf or your best friend is an elf DO NOT READ! Unless you can make fun of, or hate elves in general and somehow manage to succeed at one of the reasons above. If you can love and hate elves at the same time I want you to get some therapy right now, or take a long walk off a short pier

Disclaimer: these things are getting really REALLY annoying. Look I do not own tolkien nor do I want to. I don't have a lot of money so really don't sue me!

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_**The Story Based Off of a English Story Based Off of Rumplestiltskein**_

_Once upon a time_ there was a woman named Celebrian who had a daughter named Arwen. Now the two of them lived quite comfortably. Every day however Arwen would leave and refuse to come home until after 1: 00 am. Also every day hundreds of love letters would be sent to the house each day. At first Celebrian thought nothing of it, because the letters mad good fire wood, and her daughter was very beautiful with ten pounds of make up on her face, skirts that reached two inches above the hips, and shirts that barely covered anything and were see through. After a while though, Celebrian started getting a bit concerned for her daughter's welfare. So one day Celebrian decided to follow her daughter around for a while to see what the kid did. Well Celebrian dressed all in black with dark lines under her eyes, chased Arwen all around Rivendale as the girl made her rounds. in the total of one hour of following her daughter she saw the girl kiss twenty dudes. Now these kisses weren't the innocent kisses that friends some times give each other on the cheek, oh no these were right on the lips none of them shorter than one minute.

Anyways after watching her daughter chase after so many guys without inviting even ONE! home for dinner gasp Celebrian runs home heart broken and begins to eat chocolate. After running through thirty-five pounds of the stuff Celebrian decides she must take action against her daughters actions so just like every half-brained sissy elf she prances outside and begins to sing.

"My daughter kissed twenty idiots today, twenty idiots my daughter kissed today."

It was also at this exact moment King Aragorn appears out of no where and rides up on his oh-so-white-it's-scary horse and hears the poor elf singing her heart out and asks Celebrian what she's singing.

"What are you singing?" asks Aragorn in his annoying way of repeating what the author just said.

Celebrian, ashamed about being caught singing such things about her daughter like that decides to switch the song around a bit.

"My daughter spun twenty skeins of yarn today, twenty skeins of yarn my daughter spun today.'' Celebrian sang.

Aragorn, when hearing this decided that since he didn't have a wife , he could use one with such talents.

" I have decided ," said Aragorn yet again repeating what the author just said " I don't have a wife and could use one with such talents. For fifty-one weeks of the year your daughter will be able to eat whatever she wants and be given designer clothes and tons of makeup and such but for one week she has to spin 140 skeins of yarn."

Celebrian willingly agreed to this hoping that Arwen would stop chasing boys if she was attached, and so Aragorn and Arwen were wed.

Anyways for the next fifty-one weeks, as promised Arwen was spoiled rotten, and a Celebrian predicted Arwen err… SAW fewer boys, but all too soon Arwen was shoved into a room with tons of wool and told she had to spin it into yarn.

Now Arwen when hearing this began to cry, for she had never even SEEN a spinning wheel before. She cried so long and hard she disturbed a pollywog at a near by pond. The pollywog, at hearing her cries decided that he had to help the poor elleth.

" Poor child preciousssssss yessss very poor child. We could ssspinssss the threadssss for her yesss we couldsssss."

"You could help me?" asks Arwen.

"yesssss" replied the toady thing "we couldsssss, for the price of your hair."

" NO WAY!" cried Arwen " I'd rather DIE than give up my gorgeous hair!"

" we couldsss give her a challengesss precious" the swamp thingy said not willing to budge on his proposition " We couldssss givesssss her three daysssss to givesss ussss our name or we getssss her hair. Yesss we could do that."

"Done!" cried Arwen and shook on it.

Well the frog in denial spun the up all the thread and returned it to the bored girl. Anyways after that he came back every day and asked her for his name and for two days she didn't get it. Well on the third day of this her husband came down to see how his wife was faring, and found the Umbridge look a like questioning HIS girl and asked the creature

" hey isn't your name Gollum?"

well it was also at this exact moment Sauron decided he'd had enough of these fooleries and blew the place up. Celebrian was so upset by the news she decided to sail west with a bunch of Goth elves who hated their lives. Unfortunately they were only a few hundred yards out when a hurricane randomly struck and killed them all.

_**The End**_

_**Moral: **never marry your daughter off and pay 140 skeins of thread. Do it for 50._

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AN: okay there yah are! Please review! If you don't I'll get the really big spiders and Scary Trees with Eyes© to chase you down and make you! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!


	9. STIRRLBDEHAES

AN: hi its me again! Did ya miss me? Sorry I took so long to write, but I had marching band season to deal with. You might not think much about band geeks but we work waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay harder than the football players. And learn cool things like French, ballet, and Thai Chi. Very geeky I know. And after the season was over I had to get back my social life which is pretty much nonexistent and do homework. But hey finals are coming up so I decided to update before my mom started ripping the hair out of my head tie me to a tree force me to swallow poison, just so I had an excuse to fail my EOC's. bleh. Is suicide an excuse to miss out on them. I'm really going to have to look into that option. Hmmmmmmmmm…oh well. ON WITH THE STORY!

WARNING: if murdering masses of LOTR characters disturbs you than do not read this story. Instead go find a nice padded room with comfy walls and a cute little white jacket that lets you hug yourself all the time and live out a life of drug induced bliss.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Tolkien. NOTHING AT ALL! I own none of the drug induced elves, the mentally disturbed orcs or any of the cute little sweet man eating horses of Rohan. They are all from Tolkien's great imagination and I have only twisted them around a bit to fit my fancy. Just a bit. Also the unending story is not mine and is entirely owned by the Japanese or something like that.

**_The Story That Is Really REALLY Long But Eventually Does Have An End Somewhere..ish_**

_Once Upon A Time _there was a patrol of orcs from Isenguard on break. Now I don't know if you've ever been to Isenguard, but it DEFINITELY was not designed for a bunch of bored orcs. After all, there are only so many times you can sneak in and make prank calls on the "secret" tele-stone, torture prisoners, or poke Ents in the eye before it becomes about as dull as listening to your Grandma ramble on and on about how you should be happy about revolutionary inventions such as the light bulb.

So the orcs decided to try and find the magical land of the Shire, where there are plenty of innocent little people to steal from, torture, and force into slave labor. So the patrol of orcs and a few trolls and junk (who weren't exactly on leave time but hey do you want to argue with a two ton creature with the brain power of a stone?) leave Isenguard and travel west to try and find the elusive paradise educated people call the "Shire", but orcs just refer to as Garagabblerochintosh, since Shire is just waaaaaay to hard to remember and pronounce.

The patrol had been traveling for about a week when suddenly the Isenguard patrol came upon a bunch of orcs from Mordor who were traveling east also looking for Garagabblerochintosh aka the Shire. Well as we know orcs are not known for their intelligence, and some might go as far as saying they're as dumb as a door knob, as thick as the Earth, and just about as bright as a log. So it isn't to surprising that after just a few moments over 3 hours coughfivehourscough of council the orcs had decided that Garagabblerochintosh aka the Shire was neither East nor West and instead of trying some crazy direction like North or South they decided to see how deep the unending pit really was. At dawn the next day an orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit.. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit. Another orc approached the pit and with the cry of Moldy Potatoes he jumped into the pit…

_**The End**_

_**Moral: **Next time you go questing remember to bring a map._

So what about it. You know you want to. After all it only takes less than a minute. Just think about it. You COULD be doing something important like walking the dog, solving world hunger IMing your teacher, or trying to blow up random stuff using kitchen supplies, but why do that when you can review. After all your just a click away from writing about the most boring, and dumbest story you ever read. So REVIEW!


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